I didn't even forget I had this blog or anything, I was just too lazy to update it. I've done some more coke, had fantasies about fucking the girl who gives me coke, and I'm 100% emotionally done with my semi-girlfriend. My fat friend came over and drank too much a couple weeks ago. We tried all bunch of shit to wake him up. I was practically choking him out but he wouldn't budge. I poured a bunch of water on his pants and into his boot so it looked like he pissed himself. He apologized to me the day after and the thought: "Man, this is a little too fat, I should apologize.", I didn't. Last time I had my semi-girlfriend over I wanted to see if I could just enjoy her company instead of just groping her, I couldn't. We got Subway and she was really selfish when I asked for a bite of her sandwich. Let me remind you this BITCH has no car, couldn't drive a car even if she had one, has a job, and isn't even sucking my dick or anything to make it worthwhile for me to pay fifteen bucks for a fucking foot-long for her. She has wasted six years of my romantic life and I hate how I act with her. The time before last that she came over I showed her how to give me a blowjob and I sounded like a rapist. I wasn't forcing her to do anything but I kept whispering into her ear and once I put my dick away I felt disgusting. After eating we went to my bed and I tried kissing her and she just kept refusing me. I want to understand why she flip flops so much between being okay with intimacy and hates it. I kept trying to kiss her because I thought she was trying to play hard to get like she does sometimes. I don't get why she does this, shes not attractive, funny, smart, or fuckable enough to do this. She also kept saying "Don't touch me" which from an outsiders point of view makes me sound like a molester at best but I swear that she loves to make me feel like I over stepped a boundary just so she can laugh in my face when I apologize. Being with her for anything longer than fifteen minutes drains me, and not even in a sexy, succubus way but like a salary man who has to come home to a hungryman meal. I was able to grind my dick on her ass so that was good I guess. I don't even really feel anything from it I just like being able to tell myself I've done it. I felt the same way when I lost my virginity, mostly numb but surprised that I'm able to tell myself that I'm not a virgin anymore.
I've lied to her a lot. She knows that the girl I fucked exists but doesn't know that I fucked her. She doesn't know that I've done coke, acid, mushrooms or vape constantly. I was supposed to break up with her a couple days before her birthday on the 20th but I missed it. If all goes to plan I should break up with her on the 26th, which is technically today. I'm still keeping the title of this as the 25th because fuck you. I'm scared to break up with her because it means I won't be able to fuck her. Even if I did it wouldn't be romantic or intimate or anything like that. She'd probably make me turn the lights off and fuck her under the covers while she keeps her shirt on. She probably wouldn't even let me kiss her even though we'd be having sex. I don't actually feel this way but in a "just" world she'd be my personal slam-pig and would suck my shit off the bone while I play video games. We've talked about having sex before, not like in a "Lets do it!" kind of way but the logistics behind it. I'd have to wear a condom and she'd be on birth control. She won't ask for birth control because its scary even though you can just buy it from any pharmacy. Sometimes I just get in a mood where everything she does pisses me off. Just now she texted me if I wanted to talk and I asked her what colors she'd give a 5/10 and she said "Why?". I wish I could just find someone. Someone who understands my hobbies but isn't just a girl version of me. I have a folded up map of Skyrim on my nightstand, the first time we kissed the intro sequence of Skyrim was playing on my monitor. We laughed and smiled and looked into each others eyes. I wish it was with someone else.
