New Years

It's gonna be New Years tomorrow. Looking back I actually achieved a lot this year. I started college, I haven't made any new friends from college but I haven't joined any clubs or really interacted with people. I joined my high school's soccer team this year too I think. I didn't get a lot of play time but I met new people and did something other than stay in my room. One of my teammates actually had his birthday party on the 28th. I didn't go to it. I said I would and I never gave an excuse on why I didn't show up. He hasn't texted me either but I don't think he's mad at me or whatever, just disappointed.

I also lost my virginity. I thought it'd be a bigger deal but it wasn't. It was with this girl from my roommate's job. We flirted over text for a little bit and then the third time we met we had a little movie night. We watched two or three Fast and Furious movies on my couch. We only watched that many because I was too scared to do anything. Eventually I asked if I could use her as a pillow. Not even in a flirty way but because my back hurt so bad. She got on top of me and we made out then fucked in my bed. We fucked a couple more times but she'd get mad or disappointed that I couldn't cum during sex. I told her that I just don't cum to calm her down. She really liked me for some reason. She researched reasons guys couldn't cum and told me that she was sorry for me. I can cum but I only saw her as something a could fuck, the same way a carnivore looks at a slab of meat. We dated for a couple of minutes until my brain was screaming so loud that it was a bad idea that I couldn't ignore it anymore. The next time I saw her she told me her entire life story. She was molested as a kid while her brother didn't do anything about it, her ex ran her over with a car on purpose and she has this huge scar on her back because of it. I didn't see a future with her, she was too erratic for me, fighting constantly with people and tweaking out on me when I didn't want to see her one day. She had a lot of baggage and was scared I'd cheat on her. I don't know how I even got with her so it was completely irrational. Long story short I'm proud of myself for having sex, it's an achievement I never thought I'd reach.

I reconnected with my ex too, I'm confused about how I feel about that. She told me she was aromantic and asexual but she still let me try and put it in. Her pussy is so tight I can't get it in without shoving it in and I can't shove it in without risking hurting her. I did coke for the first time this year too. That girl I lost my virginity to and the girl my roommate fucks with both had some so I did a line the same night I hit that deer. It's fun for a couple of minutes. Snorting it through a hundred-dollar bill is baller shit. The feeling and taste of it when it drips down your throat sucks though. While I was writing this she walked in after her Christmas trip to Florida. Dumb.

I never stand by my New Year Resolutions but this years gonna be the year. I'm gonna work out consistently. I'm gonna shower, brush my teeth, and eat three meals a day every day. I'll get a job and meet new people. I won't do all of these but hopefully I'll do some. 

I wanna re-watch Welcome to the N.H.K again, It's probably my favorite anime of all time. I watched it in ninth grade and the feelings of loneliness paired with Satou's rehabilitation at the end was really uplifting to someone like me. I was going through puberty and nobody texted me during the summer. Just showed me that people didn't like me, they just talked to me because they had to see me for eight hours a day.

Happy New Years to anyone reading this!