Mailboxes

I've been driving around at night recently. I don't do it on purpose but it's winter so it gets dark at like five. It's fun to drive at night, almost nobody is on the road so it gives me a chance to exist. The road from my mom's house to my apartment is a good mix of turns and straight roads so I can turn my brain off and listen to music. I hit a deer not too long ago while driving at night. It ran across the road and I slammed on the brakes but not hard enough I guess. The deer was almost safe but I hit it in its knee. It was already mid-air by the time I hit it so it corkscrewed two or three times and slammed into the ground. Its head cracked against the asphalt and bounced. It limped away behind a utility pole and I lost sight of it. I had to pull its fur out of my bumper. The only effect this deer had on my life was it inconveniencing and scaring me for a night.

Sometimes I think mailboxes are people on the side of the road. A bunch of people near where I live have tall, black mailboxes and their silhouettes just barely look like humans to me. I think a lot of things remind me of people. Whenever I see something move in the corner of my eye I think it's a person and that scares me. It scares me in a primal way. Whenever I'm in public and someone is laughing or talking and I can't see them it scares me. If they're laughing then they're laughing at me. If they're whispering they're whispering about me. I know they aren't. My entire life I've just been in the background. I've never had large groups of friends, I just kind of lucked into making the friends I have today. I haven't really been mocked to the point where I'd be scared of complete strangers just living their lives. I have no reason to be afraid of people but I am. When I was younger I'd listen to music and pretend I was in a band with some of my friends. They never had faces in my imagination, just formless blobs behind an instrument. 

It's Christmas today, haven't enjoyed it in a while. I only have my mom in the country so it's just us and ham. We don't really speak so she doesn't know anything I like. I got a Polo sweater that I'll never wear. Holidays don't mean a lot to me except New Years, I like imagining what could happen to me during an entire year. Who I'll meet and if I'll mature at all. My mom and I try and eat our age in grapes during the countdown. We won't be celebrating it together this year. 

♪ Listening to: Spilling My Guts - Wellsaid