New Years

It's gonna be New Years tomorrow. Looking back I actually achieved a lot this year. I started college, I haven't made any new friends from college but I haven't joined any clubs or really interacted with people. I joined my high school's soccer team this year too I think. I didn't get a lot of play time but I met new people and did something other than stay in my room. One of my teammates actually had his birthday party on the 28th. I didn't go to it. I said I would and I never gave an excuse on why I didn't show up. He hasn't texted me either but I don't think he's mad at me or whatever, just disappointed.

I also lost my virginity. I thought it'd be a bigger deal but it wasn't. It was with this girl from my roommate's job. We flirted over text for a little bit and then the third time we met we had a little movie night. We watched two or three Fast and Furious movies on my couch. We only watched that many because I was too scared to do anything. Eventually I asked if I could use her as a pillow. Not even in a flirty way but because my back hurt so bad. She got on top of me and we made out then fucked in my bed. We fucked a couple more times but she'd get mad or disappointed that I couldn't cum during sex. I told her that I just don't cum to calm her down. She really liked me for some reason. She researched reasons guys couldn't cum and told me that she was sorry for me. I can cum but I only saw her as something a could fuck, the same way a carnivore looks at a slab of meat. We dated for a couple of minutes until my brain was screaming so loud that it was a bad idea that I couldn't ignore it anymore. The next time I saw her she told me her entire life story. She was molested as a kid while her brother didn't do anything about it, her ex ran her over with a car on purpose and she has this huge scar on her back because of it. I didn't see a future with her, she was too erratic for me, fighting constantly with people and tweaking out on me when I didn't want to see her one day. She had a lot of baggage and was scared I'd cheat on her. I don't know how I even got with her so it was completely irrational. Long story short I'm proud of myself for having sex, it's an achievement I never thought I'd reach.

I reconnected with my ex too, I'm confused about how I feel about that. She told me she was aromantic and asexual but she still let me try and put it in. Her pussy is so tight I can't get it in without shoving it in and I can't shove it in without risking hurting her. I did coke for the first time this year too. That girl I lost my virginity to and the girl my roommate fucks with both had some so I did a line the same night I hit that deer. It's fun for a couple of minutes. Snorting it through a hundred-dollar bill is baller shit. The feeling and taste of it when it drips down your throat sucks though. While I was writing this she walked in after her Christmas trip to Florida. Dumb.

I never stand by my New Year Resolutions but this years gonna be the year. I'm gonna work out consistently. I'm gonna shower, brush my teeth, and eat three meals a day every day. I'll get a job and meet new people. I won't do all of these but hopefully I'll do some. 

I wanna re-watch Welcome to the N.H.K again, It's probably my favorite anime of all time. I watched it in ninth grade and the feelings of loneliness paired with Satou's rehabilitation at the end was really uplifting to someone like me. I was going through puberty and nobody texted me during the summer. Just showed me that people didn't like me, they just talked to me because they had to see me for eight hours a day.

Happy New Years to anyone reading this!

Violence

 

I was driving at night again and almost hit a guy instead of a deer this time. It was pissing rain so I could only see a couple feet ahead of me and other car's headlights. He was walking on the road so he wouldn't have to step in the wet grass to the side of the road. I almost didn't see him since he was wearing dark jeans and a black hoodie. It made me angry. This jackass would rather risk his life instead of getting his shoes a little dirty. It's not hard to think that he wanted someone to hit him since he was in dark clothing walking in the middle of the fucking road. I wasn't angry when I first saw him, only once I got down the road I stopped being relieved that I didn't grind him into the asphalt with my tires. I wish I fucking hit him. That scares me a little.

I'm not really outwardly violent. I've had moments where I've stabbed people with pencils or purposely hurt someone because they've made me angry, but most of the time I just fantasize about violence. Calling it fantasizing sounds fucked so I'll call it imagining. I think about fighting people, I enjoy the brutality about it. If they're too loud I imagine that I duck their punch and tackle them to the ground and gouge out their eyes. I think about biting them and tearing out their throat. I know this is wrong but I enjoy it.

Teeth

I focus a lot on my teeth. One of them is tilted back into my mouth and without noticing I'll rub my tongue against it. It has this numb pain that pops up whenever I clench my jaw. I'm also scared of showing my teeth to people. I was made fun of for having yellow teeth when I was a kid so I don't show them a lot. I smile weird because of it. The sides of my mouth move to the side more than it moves up. I've always had trouble with presenting myself. I had a bowl-cut until I was twelve and then a comb-over for a few years after. I looked like a fucking idiot. I still do, just not as much.

There's something intimate about biting to me. I'm able to sink my teeth into something or someone, tracing their skin with my tongue while they can't get away. I want to bite someone in that part of flesh that connects their shoulder to their neck. I remember a specific event that triggered this but I probably saw a girl from the back and got transfixed on it. I'm a little disgusted with myself because of it since I'm getting off to me hurting them but my enjoyment from the thought alone overpowers it. Thinking about it makes my mouth fill up with saliva. 

Mailboxes

I've been driving around at night recently. I don't do it on purpose but it's winter so it gets dark at like five. It's fun to drive at night, almost nobody is on the road so it gives me a chance to exist. The road from my mom's house to my apartment is a good mix of turns and straight roads so I can turn my brain off and listen to music. I hit a deer not too long ago while driving at night. It ran across the road and I slammed on the brakes but not hard enough I guess. The deer was almost safe but I hit it in its knee. It was already mid-air by the time I hit it so it corkscrewed two or three times and slammed into the ground. Its head cracked against the asphalt and bounced. It limped away behind a utility pole and I lost sight of it. I had to pull its fur out of my bumper. The only effect this deer had on my life was it inconveniencing and scaring me for a night.

Sometimes I think mailboxes are people on the side of the road. A bunch of people near where I live have tall, black mailboxes and their silhouettes just barely look like humans to me. I think a lot of things remind me of people. Whenever I see something move in the corner of my eye I think it's a person and that scares me. It scares me in a primal way. Whenever I'm in public and someone is laughing or talking and I can't see them it scares me. If they're laughing then they're laughing at me. If they're whispering they're whispering about me. I know they aren't. My entire life I've just been in the background. I've never had large groups of friends, I just kind of lucked into making the friends I have today. I haven't really been mocked to the point where I'd be scared of complete strangers just living their lives. I have no reason to be afraid of people but I am. When I was younger I'd listen to music and pretend I was in a band with some of my friends. They never had faces in my imagination, just formless blobs behind an instrument. 

It's Christmas today, haven't enjoyed it in a while. I only have my mom in the country so it's just us and ham. We don't really speak so she doesn't know anything I like. I got a Polo sweater that I'll never wear. Holidays don't mean a lot to me except New Years, I like imagining what could happen to me during an entire year. Who I'll meet and if I'll mature at all. My mom and I try and eat our age in grapes during the countdown. We won't be celebrating it together this year. 

♪ Listening to: Spilling My Guts - Wellsaid